You Yell… and They Yell Louder
You’ve tried everything. The stern look, the calm but firm voice, the classic “I’m going to count to three” that inevitably turns into “three and a half… three and three-quarters…” Nothing works.
And then, you snap: “STOP!” But instead of instant obedience, your child just turns up the volume. Now you’re locked in a battle of who can be the loudest—with a three-year-old who has zero volume control and infinite energy.
So, the real question is: Should you ever raise your voice? And if so, when and how can you do it effectively without making it a habit? Here’s what science and child development experts have to say.
When Yelling Can Actually Be Useful
Any child psychologist will tell you that raising your voice should never be your default parenting strategy. But in some situations, it can be necessary—even effective.
A. When There’s Immediate Danger
This one is obvious.
Example: Your child is about to run into the street.
Why? A sudden loud command activates their brain’s alert system, making them stop instantly.
How? Use a short, sharp command like “STOP!”—then explain once they’re safe.
A well-timed yell can prevent an accident, but constant yelling makes your words lose impact.
B. To Set a Clear, Non-Negotiable Limit
Example: Your child hits another child or throws something in anger.
Why? They need an immediate signal that this behavior is unacceptable.
How? Raise your voice without screaming, using a firm and concise statement: “We do NOT hit. That is not okay.” Then, follow up with an appropriate consequence.
C. To Break an Emotional Meltdown
Example: Your child is mid-tantrum and completely ignoring you.
Why? Their emotional brain has taken over, and they’re no longer processing words.
A louder tone can snap them out of the spiral long enough to regain focus.
How? A strong, clear statement (“Enough. Take a deep breath.”) followed by a softer, calming tone to help them regulate their emotions.
Key takeaway: “Use a firm tone to stop the chaos, then a gentle one to rebuild connection.”
What You Should Never Do
- Yell all the time : If you’re always shouting, your child will tune it out. It loses effectiveness.
- Yell out of frustration: You lose credibility and create unnecessary stress for your child.
- Confuse authority with intimidation: Your goal isn’t to make them afraid, but to teach boundaries. Fear is never a healthy motivator for behavior.
If everything is urgent, nothing really is.
What If Yelling Still Doesn’t Work?
So you’ve raised your voice in a justified situation, but your child doesn’t seem to care. Now what?
Ask Yourself These Three Questions
- Does your child hear you yell all the time? If so, they may have tuned out your loud voice as background noise.
- Was your message clear and direct? Saying “If you keep doing that, something bad might happen and I don’t know what to do” is much less effective than “STOP. That is not okay.”
- Did you follow through? If you raise your voice but don’t reinforce it with action (an explanation or a consequence), your child will learn to ignore it.
Yell less, but with purpose—and back it up with action.
What Your Child Learns From This Approach
By using a measured approach to raising your voice, you’re teaching your child essential life skills:
- Self-regulation → They learn how to manage emotions by watching how you manage yours.
- Respect for limits → They understand that some rules are firm and non-negotiable.
- Active listening → If you rarely yell, your raised voice actually signals something important.
Your calm is their best teacher.
According to Dr. Aletha Solter, a psychologist specializing in attachment, “Children raised with clear, consistently enforced boundaries develop emotional security that helps them navigate relationships throughout life.”
Yelling should be a last resort, used only when absolutely necessary. The clearer you set expectations, the less you’ll need to raise your voice.
Next time you feel your patience wearing thin, ask yourself: “Will yelling actually help right now?”
If the answer is no—pause, take a deep breath, and try a different approach.
And if you’ve got your own experiences or strategies, share them in the comments!